Chapter Text
Dan lay there, as if nothing mattered. It wasn't something simple to understand, but for some nights, he wondered if this was how it would all end. The air felt heavy as he curled up on the uncomfortable bed. The shelter wasn't unpleasant, the beds were a little close to each other, and sometimes he saw people coming and going. He accompanied when someone was picked up by family members. Other people stayed there with the little they had, this time, a teenager occupied the bed next door, a little tired. Even so, it was common for some eyes to stop on him.
And the new “neighbor” seemed a little curious. Dan had no worn or dirty clothes, no visible injuries. looked like someone drowning in a depression strong enough to prevent him from getting out of bed. She saw when a tattooed man visited him, bringing warm clothes and some belongings, but Dan only kept a few things, as if he didn't think he was worthy of having so much while other people had nothing.
The nuns smiled in surprise when Dan gave away most of the things, except for what he needed. And it was an admirable gesture if he didn't look so uncomfortable. It was a winter night, the community dinner used to be good when people felt guilty and wanted to do good deeds at Christmas time. Yeorin had arrived a few days ago, but she found several things very strange. She didn't see Dan when they served the soup, and the nuns commented that maybe he was “one of those,” which wasn't a compliment. That's what they called those who sought shelter but didn't accept help and one day they would leave in the snow or end their own lives. Yeorin finished the soup in the lounge, taking a bowl to Dan, but resting on the small table next to the precarious bed had no effect.
Dan was still lying there, staring into nothing. She sat on the next bed, huddling in the clothes that barely warmed the small body that winter, pulling up the sleeves of her sweatshirt to cover the small cold hands.
“You don't talk, you barely eat.” Tried, frowning. The girl crossed her arms, thinking this was crazy. In part, she felt a certain irritation. Dan was handsome, very handsome, almost like one of the angels that appeared on the shelter's brochures. His hair was a soft shade of brown, his skin was free of bruises, the clothes he donated were nice, and probably expensive. While she was wearing old, worn-out clothes, still feeling some pain from the bruises on her face. “I'll guess. Have you been dumped? You have to say something, it doesn't look like you were beaten up or are someone who lived under a bridge.” She looked at the soup, and it looked like Dan had no intention of touching the hot meal.
She just didn't understand, Dan didn't seem like someone who would need to go to a shelter.
“Did you know I had to leave my house? I couldn't take it anymore that my drunk mother hit me. It was every night, you know?”
Yeorin looked next to the bed at Dan's box of belongings, practically empty now. And looking at him again, Dan was still hugging an oversized coat, closing his eyes as he smelled the perfume coming from the piece.
“Running away from your boyfriend?” She insisted, resting her hands on the old, thin mattress. She pressed her lips together, even without knowing him well, it was worrying how he just stood there, silently, almost an invisible presence, without complaining, without asking to use the phone. “Here people either have nowhere to return or they run away from someone.” The girl insisted, still seeing how Dan hugged that coat as if it were the only thing he needed. Dan finally looked at her, still silent for a while, sitting on the bed.
He sighed, looking at the warm coat he had in hands, feeling it with fingertips.
“I'm a little tired of everything... He doesn't need me. No one needs.” Dan laughed weakly, as if it were a joke. And somehow, he believed it was a joke himself to think that one day Jaekyung might want him, yet he kept that coat there, as if the perfume was enough. “The therapist said that I look for reasons not to be worthy of happiness, but... I never wanted anything for myself. I have always taken care of others and realized that they can take care of themselves, then I am no longer useful.”
“Don't you have a family?” The girl asked.
“My grandmother can't see me like this, and she is treated well. Nothing thanks to me, he paid for everything. Oh, it's really ironic... I promised I would never be in debt again, but it's a vicious cycle, I think.” Dan caressed the coat, his gaze still dull. “Is it crazy that I'm in love with someone who mistreated me so much in the past? He made me feel so much pain, then it got better, you know? He was more patient, more affectionate with me. But who would love me? He can have anyone, someone who doesn't cry in corners thinking that one day this would all ends.”
“People do not change.”
Dan was still looking at that coat.
“I like his perfume. A perfume doesn't hurt me.” Dan muttered, knowing it was absurd for things to be this way. He was in debt again, by god, Jaekyung bought the house where Kim's grandmother was, he paid for her medical care. In fact, it was a debt and Dan didn't know what that would look like. This time, it seemed like everything was over.
Jaekyung was someone with notable fame, and returning to the sport was hard work, it wasn't good to share your time with someone so deeply broken. And sometimes, he thought of him with that model. How they matched. Dan felt like he was something too small next to Joo Jaekyung, as if inside his head he imagined all of the fighter's former partners asking themselves “Really? How long it will last?”, What if he questioned what Jaekyung saw to make him even remotely attracted, maybe sex? That's how they started.
Dan smiled weakly at Yeorin.
“You know, sometimes when I look out the window and see the trees in the park. I kind of like them, maybe I'm jealous that they're going through spring. I don't feel like something that has gone through a beautiful, delicate season.”
“No?”
Dan nodded.
“They say the seasons pass through our lives. In spring we have youth, where everything is beautiful. But everything in my life has been far from the lightness of summer or the scent of flowers that open in spring. Maybe I'll just lose my color and feel the cold take over everything around me.” Dan sighed, folding the coat he wouldn't let go of for anything. The only memory he would keep of Jaekyung, and he imagined it was freeing him from a headache. Therefore, the fighter could be with someone who did not need so much care. It was just a shame that they couldn't be together anymore, that Dan wouldn't be on the trip where he would make his return to MMA.
“I can love him from afar... His seasons will be so beautiful.”
“What did you expect from him? Experiencing great love is not realistic. Oh... I blame the amount of K-dramas that make us think that mans are good. All we can want is someone who doesn't punch us in the eye.” Yeorin hugged her knees, still looking at Dan, with a certain sadness when she saw that even though it seemed like Dan had a place to return, the pain in that look seemed to have been accumulated for a long time. And every person has their limit until they encounter a breakdown. “Wouldn’t your grandmother be worried knowing you were in a shelter?”
“I'm going to live with her, I just want to solve a problem first.”
And maybe Yeorin was right. Dan thought about those words, maybe love was something overvalued. Something that television loved to paint in pretty colors, when the reality was that loving someone was brutal and selfish. For a while, Dan thought that loving someone could put an end to a melancholy emptiness that had always existed inside him, and who knows? He could become what was missing in someone else's life.
Since he was a child, Dan was overcome by the feeling that he never tried hard enough, that if he had tried, his parents would have been there. And every day he grew, he had to try harder. Dan helped classmates, took on every job to help with debts and not worry his grandmother. Being helpful was the meaning Dan thought life had. He didn't think he would get more tired with every step he took.
And for a while, he admitted that he was very happy with that Jaekyung, the kisses, the walks after work. It was good to feel loved, to have someone comfort him when a negative thought arose. Then he was terrified by the feeling that he still wasn't enough, that he never would be.
Dan forced himself to eat some soup, put on his coat, and left the shelter. He thought it would be nice to be able to see the snow, even if the clothes weren't warm enough. The walk out of the shelter was filled with silence and the whistling of the wind. The square wasn't pretty but admired the snow-covered trees as he walked to the sidewalk, looking at the parked car. Jun was leaning against the vehicle, dressed in warmer clothes, his coat in dark shades and his long white scarf. Too elegant for someone going to a shelter. It was better to end that matter once and for all, and Jun kept looking, somewhat confused about Kim's pale image, who barely greeted him.
His trembling hands held out a brown envelope, without any label, just looking at it with the tiredness apparent in the dark circles under his brown eyes.
“I went to the bank today, that's all I saved. Now will you leave me alone?”
Jun took the envelope, his hair now shorter revealing his indifferent look as if the envelope was still very little. The lawyer looked at him with a wry, disappointed smile, perhaps thinking that Dan wouldn't be able to raise enough money and would just accept spreading his legs in the backseat of the car. The lawyer looked at the crumbling shelter.
“A shelter? You know, if you came with me, you'd have a warm bed.” Jun brought his hand closer to touch Dan's face “Don't be so sentimental, I only hit you that time because you irritated me. You know I can be very good to you.” Jun raised his eyebrow, seeing Dan take a few steps back, looking away towards the shelter, Jun laugh quietly when a girl crossed the park, with a closed expression and closed fists.
“Hey! Is this the idiot?” Yeorin pressed her lips together, that was new. Dan wasn't used to someone worried, but the girl, even though she was younger, maintained a high tone when addressing Jun. “Leave him alone!” She kept fists closed. Dan looked at her, still surprised. He wasn't planning on making friends with a girl who ran away from her mother, but maybe people with similar pains would understand what that world was like. The girl looked at Dan, with the apprehension that he might get into that car.
Yeorin denied it.
“You don't get into an idiot's car.”
“Yeorin, I'm fine. He's already leaving, so... Come in. I'll be back soon.”
"Are you sure?" She questioned.
Dan agreed, even though it was adorable that she wanted to support him, the girl gave Jun a cold look before returning inside the shelter, rubbing arms to keep warm. Having friends was something that Dan had difficulty fully accepting, but he was grateful that someone cared, he was also grateful for the visits from Jihae and the many others in the shared apartment. They came frequently to check that Dan was okay, in addition to insisting that he return to the apartment.
“Well, you paid. You really keep your word. See? It wasn't that difficult, although I believe there was another, more pleasant way for you to apologize to me.” Jun laughed, doing a weak pat on Dan's cheek, opening a smile “Everything is your fault. After all, it was you who made the complaint. But if that's what you want, fine, I'll leave you alone. But call me if you miss a warm bed.”
Jun got into the car while Dan remained there, watching the car drive away. Snowflakes fell, decorating his brown hair. His eyes watered knowing that Jun was like so many others, he would come back when he least expected it, wanting more. It was how that world was. Dan lowered his head, thinking about just going back, but he didn't want to cry in front of Yeorin. He stood there, watching the snow fall, his gaze just moving down the street when he heard the sound of a car door opening and hurried footsteps. He blinked slowly, he didn't expect this world to still be good. But the nuns at the shelter were kind, just like Yeorin was just a girl who saw so much violence and still managed to have the empathy to go after him. The colleagues from the shared apartment always came and told everything that happened at work and in their daily lives, and even Jihae always insisted that Dan could come back, so it shouldn't be a surprise to see the tattoo artist there, getting out of the car and running towards him but stopping a few meters away.
Dan didn't want him to see the “deal” with Jun. But it was too late. Jihae had already seen it and was looking at him in shock, Kim hide his hands in his coat pockets, looking at his old friend, still trying to hold back the urge to cry.
“It's just money, he promised he would leave me alone. I just...” The voice shook, but he forced a smile, subtly shrugging his shoulders “I made a mistake, okay? I... I didn't know Jun was violent, people at the hotel called the police. But he thought the accusation would be a stain on his career.” It was the first time saying who had hit him so long ago, something Dan just wanted to forget. He sighed softly, denying weakly. “I shouldn't have reported it, it would have been better to just forget about it.”
“Dan. Why didn't you tell me he was threatening you?” Jihae approached, uneasy “Dan, you could have asked for help. We're friends, remember? You didn't even need to go to a shelter, just call me. Everyone is worried. Just... Go back there, don't start with that money talk. You can just stay there, with your friends.”
“I would only bring trouble, Jihae.” Dan dried his tears, unable to look at him “I give everyone a hard time, I should just disappear and...”
“We were the ones who gave us trouble, remember? The apartment was chaos before you arrived. And it's good, you know? Everyone misses you. We didn't like you because you were the only one who knew how to cook, or who insisted on remembering when the heating went out.” Jihae smiled gently, some things should be said, especially in Dan's world, where the assumption that he was a heavy burden was alive. Which wasn't true. The tattoo artist sighed, looking at his friend carefully as he approached. “They don't live there by chance. Most are there because they want their own life, and often, one that their parents do not support. You were someone who never judged them. You take care of people, but you have to let people take care of you too.”
“Someone had to cook.” Dan said, laughing softly, still wiping the tears that ran down his face. This time, he didn't see any box in the tattoo artist's hands. “Jaekyung... Is he okay?”
Jihae crossed his arms, breathing deeply. The wind messed up his now shorter hair.
“He remembers everything... The memory came back.”
“Oh…” Dan felt tears running down his face, for some reason, it affected him more than anything. He tried his best to smile, to feel happy that he had finally recovered everything he had forgotten, but ended up crying almost sobbing, looking at the street. It was like knowing that now everything was over. It was the new Jaekyung who wanted him, who took care of him, not the old one. His lips twitched and he suddenly felt so alone and insignificant in all the snow. “He hates me again? He... I really hope he can be happy. Of course it will, he needs to be.”
Jihae looked at him, it was painful to see how desolate Dan looked. So broken into so many pieces.
“How about you? Don't you deserve to be happy?”
“I was.” Dan was still crying, looking at the snow falling on the buildings and sidewalks “I was so happy as if each season passed and I didn't even notice, everything seemed so good that time... It just didn't pass. I think I wished time would stop every time he hugged me. But time passed, a season ends, and those moments would be covered by snow. But I was happy. It just wasn't forever.”
“Dan.”
“I don't even know if this is crazy, how can I be so selfish? I wanted him to never regain his memory. Maybe then I would also forget everything he did.”
“Dan. He doesn't hate you.”
“Of course he hates me. I can love him from afar. Maybe I can hold on to the good times and hope they mean something to him. But people don't change, and he hates me now.” Dan couldn't stop crying, looking lost in the street, laughing at himself. “I just wanted... I don't know, watch the Christmas lights being turned on with him. It's so stupid to want this, to be in front of those pretty lights, to look into his eyes and say we could end this year together and start a new one. So... I wonder if I'm so foolish to want us to be happy.”
“Dan. You can still do that, I don’t think Jaekyung hates you. Maybe he was more sincere because he didn't remember what he was like before, who's to say he didn't fall in love with you? Twice.” As much as he wanted to help, it was clear that Dan still seemed shaken. “Look, it's Christmas time. You can't stay in a shelter, go back to the shared apartment. You can still watch the Christmas lights with me and your friends, right? I'll come get you tomorrow.”
***
As soon as Dan smiled weakly and entered the shelter, it was the most difficult scene Jaekyung could have watched. Inside Jihae's car, the fighter snorted. The dark glass prevented him from being seen, but his gaze remained on Dan, on how the snowflakes decorated his hair, on how it took all his effort not to get out of that car. The agreement was very clear, Jihae said he would take the fighter to the shelter, but that he wouldn't get out of the damn car until the sign that everything was okay. Every effort was to keep Dan from being frightened. And the tattoo artist was very direct saying that the fighter should think very carefully before talking to Kim.
But he didn't warn that seeing Dan's sad state would be easy.
Jihae got into the car, huffing loudly.
“For a tattoo artist, your car is a little too expensive.” He commented, it was actually a surprise that a tattoo artist like Jihae had a car that was quite expensive, with leather seats, as well as tinted windows.
“Shut up. My parents have a lot of money, I just didn't want to live like a snob.” Jihae finally got into the driver's seat, looking back at the shelter. It wasn't such an unpleasant place, but it was still sad to know that Dan could spend Christmas in a place like that. He started the car, breathing deeply when he noticed the fighter's restlessness. “He's going to spend Christmas in the shared apartment, look, I really hope I don't regret helping you.
“Who was that man? A loan sharks?”
“A loan shark would be nicer. He's the one who hit Dan, the guy didn't know how to hear a “no” and hit Dan so much that the hotel called the police. The asshole is a lawyer and threatened Dan saying that the report would tarnish his reputation.” Jihae started driving, he didn't like it at all either, but it was a relief that Jaekyung stayed in the car. He felt the brunette's desire to go there and get Dan out of the shelter. His fingers tapped the steering wheel repeatedly, knowing that what he was going to do could be a mistake. “Jun. f*ck, if I had known Dan was going to date him, believe me, I would have stopped.”
“Do you know the son of a bitch?” Jaekyung stared at the traffic “You know that if you don't tell me who he is, I'll find out on my own.”
“Great, proving that you are still the same violent asshole is an item to be crossed off your list on how to win Kim Dan back.” He ironized, denying “Jun was my client, I gave him a tattoo. His name is Hwan Jungwon, he's a lawyer, the asshole even gave me his card once. But it's not worth the risk.”
“It's worth the risk, people like him always go after Dan.”
“Hitting him doesn't change anything, Dan thinks you hate him now.” Jihae knew the subject was complicated, partly he thought it was ironic that the fighter had fallen in love with Dan twice, but the challenge was how to make him say the right things when they met. It was easier with the new Jaekyung, but the old one was a challenge. Jihae turned on the radio, grumbling when Jaekyung turned it off, completely irritated like a grumpy child. The tattoo artist stopped at the red light, still looking at the busy traffic “Do you know how difficult it is for someone to love the way he loves you?”
“Did he ask about me?” Jaekyung, still looking at the street, asked without hiding how much he wanted to know. He looked at Jihae from the corner of his eyes. “Did he talk about me?”
“Dan thinks he's a fool for wanting to end this year and start another with you. Dan thinks he can love you from a distance, and sincerely? I think you should think carefully before talking to him. The wrong word and you'll lose him for good.”
Jaekyung lost himself in his own thoughts for a moment.
“For Christmas, can you do me a favor?”
“It depends on what it is.” Jihae replied “I'm his friend, I won't accept doing something that could hurt him, so...”
“Just do this favor, it's important to him.”
Jihae agreed, listening to what Jaekyung wanted him to do. The tattoo artist laughed, smiling slightly when the traffic started moving again.
“You are really difficult to understand.”
***
Jaekyung has always been someone whose stubbornness tests any limit. It hadn't been easy to get used to the old memories, he still felt like he was in the shoes of someone he was trying to improve at all costs and the old memories were like a ghost hanging him. It was driving him crazy to understand everything that happened. He remembered before the accident, the anger with which he ran through the penthouse in search of his keychain. He even remembered the time when Dan left, when the fighter stared at that door thinking about when he would return and when Jaekyung went to throw a bottle of water in the trash and saw the keychain.
It was instinctive. Anger mixed with longing. He would wake up in the middle of the night by his mind betraying him and mixing images of Dan with teary eyes saying: “A little slower, Sir”, groaning in pain when his hair was grabbed. And then, images of Dan sitting on the porch of the Joo family's house. The calm, the wind touching the soft brown hair. The intimacy they had after the accident, holding hands, waking up every day with that little smile and Dan's tender sigh saying: “One more day with you”, as if that were something so precious.
Jihae insisted that he couldn't drag Dan out of the shelter, even though it was winter and Christmas time. Jaekyung didn't even care about anything like that, but he thought about what it would be like for Dan to spend the end of the year with soup in the company of homeless people and nuns. He even imagined Dan curled up in a bed, alone. And he thought about how many times he had remained isolated in his own world. When Jaekyung thought about before, remembered loan sharks. How long Dan had to deal with men forcing him to take any job. After all, it was because of them that Dan had to accept the job that ended his peace.
Jaekyung made things worse. He was more predatory than any man could be.
That time with the loan sharks, there were two conflicting thoughts. He wanted to get those men away from Dan. And another thought claiming that this was the golden chance. Controlling every aspect of the physiotherapist’s life. He barely realized how much he needed Dan, so much so that it seemed easier to surround him in every way, just to show that he could never escape. People simply left, it was like wanting to touch the wind and imprison it. It was impossible, everyone was leaving, slipping through his fingers. But he kept losing Dan, again and again.
Perhaps frustration made him not keep his word, looking at his cell phone screen. There were photos of Dan in the gallery, photos of him sleeping soundly, even of him smiling at some party they went to Heesung's house.
“Sir, you can come in now.” The secretary had said, the woman smiled, a little impacted by the image of Jaekyung, so tall and even with layers of clothes nothing would hide his well-formed muscles, despite the cap on his hair it was possible to see the almost visceral look facing that door with the sign metallic. He gritted his teeth, uneasy about what he was doing. Of course, he was angry. He wanted to go to the shelter, drag Dan back to the penthouse. And yet, what irritated him most was knowing that “this” never changed in Dan. That physiotherapist was still stubborn in wanting to solve everything on his own when even Jaekyung began to understand that no one lives alone.
Life did not exist without someone else to share the happiness so that it became better, and someone to share the pain, so that it stopped existing.
He entered that office, his dark irises looking at everything around. The neutral colors, the minimalist art on the walls and the lawyer at the desk, finishing a call before standing up, straightening his tie, with a co*cky smile.
“I couldn't believe it when I got the call. Did you know that I've watched a lot of your fights? Mr. Joo, why don't you sit down? Don't worry, I'm very good at what I do. You said you had a problem, some blackmailer?” Jun said, and the tone was arrogant enough to make the fighter stare at the table, thinking about what Dan was thinking when he met this guy. He wasn't a lawyer who would pay for the service, Jun was the petty type, thinking he was more important than he was.
Jaekyung faced the table as he approached but without sitting down, keeping his hands deep in his coat pockets.
“I got involved in a fight, then I was stalked by someone who demanded money, I think he had in mind that he could... I don't know, distort the facts about the fight.”
Jun sighed, thinking a little, leaned against the table.
“Oh, I'm so sorry this happened to you. But we can find a way.” Jun spoke with conviction, gesturing his hand in the air “We can report the person for stalking, if we prove the aggression against you, it will make this asshole's side worse. And since the threat is already a serious aggravating factor, and distorting the facts, we can qualify as defamation.”
Jaekyung looked at him coldly, really thinking about everything Jihae had told him. It was a long conversation with the tattoo artist telling everything about the time when Dan seemed immersed in obscurity, seeking attention from strangers. He couldn't imagine Dan agreeing to have sex in a nightclub bathroom or in the backseat of a car, and he couldn't imagine how many people Dan agreed to touch every curve of his body. No, Dan was like something angelic with yet an innocence in his brown eyes and a delicate smile on his inviting lips. It sounded crazy how no man had surrendered to his charms and given everything he wanted and needed.
Dan ironically attracted the worst kind of men. Jaekyung hated to think that he led him to this, that if he hadn't been so stupid maybe Dan would be in the penthouse, perhaps having the annoying urge to buy and decorate a Christmas tree. It was a good image to create. Dan in his Christmas hat, decorating a tree and arranging the gifts, perhaps still wearing his apron to make dinner.
Suddenly, it felt strange for Jaekyung to spend Christmas without him, in an apartment that was never a home without the special touch that Kim Dan always gave. The fighter looked at the lawyer, keeping a serious expression, his imposing posture being the perfect mix as he looked at Jun like something he could break like a dry tree branch. Jun was not an opponent, much less a challenge. But that insignificant being was comfortable for a long time.
“Stalking, blackmail, defamation. Wow, that's quite a lot, thanks for the help. The question is whether I should throw you out the window or just report you until there's not a crumb left of your sh*tty career.” Jaekyung kept his gaze on the lawyer who couldn't respond, no, how would he do it? It was easy to threaten Dan, so sweet and delicate. Not Jaekyung, who held Jun by the neck, making the man finally understand that the situation was terrible for him. “You're the son of a bitch who threatened Kim Dan. So, convince me not to break you for touching what's mine.”
“What?” Jun tried to speak, eyes widening as he understood what this was about, Jaekyung's hand tightened on the lawyer's neck, barely having time to react when the body was thrown to the ground, the fighter was still waiting for the answer, even though he knew he wouldn't. there was nothing stopping him from breaking the whole place down. Jun, still on the ground, backed away, raising his hand in a request to keep distance. “No. Hey, calm down, look, it’s nothing like that! Look, Dan opens his legs for anyone, I wasn't the only one and...”
Jun became even paler with Jaekyung stepping on his chest, with enough force for him to understand that that argument wouldn't help him, on the contrary, it only made things worse.
“Look, that complaint could cause me problems. I... I just wanted him to take it back, but he didn't listen to me."
“And you thought you had the right to extract money from him?” Jaekyung put more pressure on the force he was stepping on that deplorable man “If I know you came close to him again, I'll destroy your career. And don't challenge me.”
“I'll give you the money back...!”
“I don't want money from a cheap whor* like you. I just said that if you get close to Kim Dan, I will destroy everything important in your miserable life.” Jaekyung raised his eyebrow. “I want you to know that my family has enough influence to have eyes and ears everywhere. If you think, if you even say Dan's name, I'll know. I bet Dan wasn't the only one you hit, it would be very easy to dig through your rotten life to find other people who, I guarantee, would love to talk to the police.” Jaekyung walked away, laughing at that man's panic.
It was a lucky break, but he imagined it would have hurt other partners.
“I promise, I... I'll never talk to him again!”
Jaekyung saw the man get up, still shaking.
“f*cking coward” the fighter thought, turning around to get out of that hell. He still had something to do that day. He stopped his steps, closing his eyes as he snorted loudly, some things didn't die inside him, it didn't matter if it was the old one or the Jaekyung from after the accident. He turned his body, his steps quick towards the lawyer who was still trying to recover from the shock.
“I'm a jealous man, and you still touched what's mine.” He threw a punch, sparing no strength. It was just a reminder for Jun to understand what would happen, and he didn't care if the lawyer intended to report him for assault. It wouldn't happen. Not when Jaekyung could end his life. He looked with some satisfaction at the man knocked down by the blow, but he had no reason to waste any more time there.
There was something more important.
Jaekyung promised that he wouldn't approach Dan before thinking about what he would say. But it was yet another promise he would break when the fighter went to the shelter with the excuse of wanting to check on him. But Jaekyung didn't even get inside as soon as he saw Dan in the square in front of the shelter. The small park was full of trees decorated with snow, and in front of one of them, Dan was there, not caring about the cold as his delicate hands hung something on a low branch.
The fighter approached, seeing the origami star Dan was hanging there.
Strangely, a pain welled up inside Jaekyung's chest. Dan was supposed to be at the penthouse, decorating a Christmas tree. It was fine, Jaekyung wouldn't mind if Dan wanted to turn the entire room into something themed. But that he was there, safe, dressed in warm clothes and with a sweet smile, opening a gift. It wasn't fair that Dan was alone in the snow, hanging an origami because he thought this was the Christmas he could have. He turned around, brown eyes in surprise seeing Jaekyung there, looking at him in a mix of frustration and hesitation. The snowflakes decorated the fighter's dark hair so beautifully, their eyes met for long moments, in silence.
“Hey.” Dan looked at him, subtly shrugging his shoulders.
“Hey.” Jaekyung repeated, even though the silence said much more. He looked away, his posture still imposing and pressing his lips, restless. “Get your things, you're going back home.”
Dan was still looking at him as if he were staring at a riddle. Now that Jaekyung remembered, hoped he would go back to being the same indifferent man. For Kim, it seemed naive to expect Jaekyung to still be patient and caring. He remained silent, looking down at the snow, seeing how the snow easily erased the footprints in the soft layer, as if some things were easy to disappear or be forgotten, as if nothing mattered. It sounded like facing that the past was just something that would pass by itself and now, that Jaekyung was part of the past.
The fighter took the keys out of his pocket, showing the keychain.
“I took it out of the trash when you left. I kept it as something so important that no one could touch it, and I left on a stormy night because I needed it back.” Jaekyung said, still looking at him, even though Dan was still staring at the snow “I took a risk in a storm, just to have something come from you.”
“Was it because of me that you had that accident, then?”
“No, f*ck, f*ck. It's not that!" Jaekyung thought, not realizing what that looked like. It was to show that even then the keychain was there, so important simply because it's what's left of Dan. But now he saw how that sounded and he wasn't there to blame him, to say that if Dan hadn't left, maybe he never would have taken that risk in a storm. The brunette wanted to go to Dan, hold his face, kiss him showing how much the time apart didn't matter, the distance, the time, even the memory wasn’t enough to end the feelings that burned in his chest. But Dan was so sad, so fragile in the snow.
Jaekyung felt that if he pushed too hard or spoke without thinking, Dan would break into pieces that would be blown away by the wind.
“The ‘Upset’”
“What?” Dan looked at him, confused.
Jaekyung was never good with his own feelings, it was easy in fights, where he could have control of the situation. He knew how to observe an opponent, he studied them, understanding how to win and able to see the weaknesses. But this wasn't a ring, and Dan wasn't a fighter waiting for the referee's whistle. That situation was not one in which Jaekyung would have control. And that scared him worse than any nightmare.
“It's an MMA term. It's someone you hope will win but ends up losing.” He said, approaching discreetly, looking at the keychain he still had in hands. He sighed, frustrated with himself. “It sucks that I thought everything was perfect, then I start to lose everything. Whenever I thought I was right, or winning, it was like an unequal fight, and I entered without being prepared.”
He took a deep breath, looking up at Dan. He was so pale, so alone in that place. Jaekyung thought carefully about what he would say.
“I'm an obsessed man, there's no justification for that. I'm capable of horrible things, but... It's as if I wore the mask of “Emperor” and thought I would beat everyone, but there's no way to study you like I do with opponents.”
“Between the two of us, it was never a fight.”
“Yes, it was.” Jaekyung sighed, seeing Dan's fingers touching the keychain. “I was the one who kept cornering you, trying to dominate you because I knew that everyone else had left. The only option I saw was to think about how to hold you to me, until you gave in, until you gave up fighting against me and just... Stayed. But I was the one who got the knockout when you left.”
“I...”
“It's hard to me. You know? Fight real things. Seeing that a victory is only a victory if there is someone with me.” He looked up once again, meeting those beautiful brown eyes, so teary. “I'm still that same asshole. But... I'm a little better when I'm with you. I didn't cheat on you, I may have done bad things before, but I would never do that. Not before, not now.”
Dan looked down again.
“That model doesn't have as many problems as I do.”
“He's not you.” And the once again their eyes met, Jaekyung approached, kissing the corner of Dan's lips, brushing their lips slowly “You're freezing.”
At the shelter, one of the nuns came out, waving at Dan, which made him step back, his face flushed and his gaze insisting on escaping Jaekyung's gaze.
“I have to go in now.” But before heading to the shelter, Jaekyung hugged him, closing his eyes. His hand caressing Dan’s brown hair and the other holding his body against his. Dan closed his eyes, he had never been hugged so carefully, with such affection. The fighter held him in that embrace for long moments, kissing his forehead and his face.
“Just wait for me, just a little. I bought you something, we've never celebrated Christmas together before, so at least let me get you something.” Jaekyung pulled away, holding Dan's face, he already had something in mind, but he still wanted to ask. “What can I do? What do you want?”
Dan looked into those eyes, and strangely only one thing came to mind.
“Hm, here I have this friend. Yeorin. She ran away from home because her mother attacked her. Do you have contact with anyone to find Yeorin's older brother? It's just that Yeorin said he was from Busan, but her mother wouldn't let him visit. It would be nice... If you can help.”
“You haven't changed.” Jaekyung raised his eyebrows in surprise, even though he could ask for anything, Dan still thought about how to help people. Jaekyung laughed, not knowing how to act, it was strangely adorable. He agreed, still looking into Kim's eyes. “If I help your friend, will you go out with me?”
Dan blushed slightly, nodding.
“Would you do that for me?”
“Yes, I would do anything for you.”
