Unbound: A Woman’s Guide To Power (2024)

Audiobook……read by the author, Kasia Urbaniak
…7 hours and 50 minutes

Many thanks to the public library and our modern-day easy access to borrow an ebook or audiobook from home with the tap of one finger.
I never stop appreciating this luxury.
It allows me to explore and experiment without an ounce of any risk.
Ha….
…..for a few minutes— I wondered if I was at risk to listening to what Kasia had to teach.
She is a former dominatrix. She is also a trained Taoist nun.

When I told Paul I was entering the dark world — listening to powerful teachings from a ‘balls-to-the-wall-confident-authoritative-former dominatrix….
He said:
“Go for it”. Then added…
“Is that something you’d like to be?”
Ha!
“No”! Of course not (we’ve just joined a garden club) — far from any dom/sub lifestyle—
But. . .
….I took a couple of things away that I want to implement.
But first —
how and why does any person come to read (or listen in my case) to this book?
For me . . .
….one of our lovely Airbnb guests told me how much she ‘enjoyed’ this book. I went into it completely blind. I don’t know of anyone whose has read it.
I never even read the blog! (just didn’t think to do so from my phone-library-loan.
But….
“Enjoyed” was the word described to me.
It’s ‘not-not’ enjoyable — but it’s much too generic of a word to even begin to describe what’s going on.

The life-lessons taught from Kasia ARE powerful!!! Really and sincerely:
*ARE USEFUL* . . .
Hell….
I’m 70 years old — I live in a very diversified-liberal state. I’m not completely ignorant about transformation journeys, self actualization, spiritual practices, the value of truth, peace, love, empathy, righteousness, non-violence, wisdom from the elements: fire, earth, air and water…..
— relationship issues, effective communications,
The power of now, reasons to be impeccable with our word, don’t make assumptions….
Power vs. Force … etc etc etc!!!
And even soooo —
I took away some practical powerful value from this book!

One example:
When dealing with a situation with another person when they say something that stumps you — surprises —shocks and hurts you —
What do you do?
I was stumped cold recently. All I did was freeze — and let it go.
But … I didn’t let it go. Inside I was carrying it around for days.
Thankfully— I have recently rectified the situation: it took straight - honest communication to do so … and it was with a powerful man.

Kasia gave practical guidance of what to say when we freeze and stumble from something another person says. She shared several examples of when another person asks a (ridiculous) question— or says something rude —
Kasia says “ASK A QUESTION”…
Turn the tables quickly.
I practiced a few of these stumbles with Paul and —
no kidding, Kasia is right!

For days after my own situation of not liking something said to me — I found myself replaying the unsettling—unsatisfying interactions in my head. I was mad. I felt suppressed. Certainly not complete or feeling whole-fully powerful.

There are numerous examples- stories and ‘practical’ guidance of ways to deal with tons of tricky-sticky situations.
The power is in applying— new responses and practicing them.

It was valuable to look at ‘power’ in a wide variety of ways:
negotiations, expressing my desires (rather than complaining), ways to let go of effort (how?) — Kasia gave a few remarkable suggestions of turning effort around —replacing it through imaginative solutions.
Kasia had us look at ‘the good girl’ conditioning many of us women were brought up with— and why the Good Girl makes it hard to advocate for ourselves.
All those moments we don’t speak up - when we want to - need to - has a profound impact on our lives.
“Name one good girl who has changed the world”.

Equality is explored…
Desire is explored …
independence, asking for what we want and/or need with work, sex, life!

Power associations examined:
…..money, greed, gratefulness, flipping situations around, ambition, influencing others, romance, sex, marriage….
…relationships of all forms— and to take our power back….

Fact is — the longer I listened to this book — the more I realized that the most basic - common sense topics explored …. presented so much deeper - were not as common as I thought.

Within the first 10 minutes of listening to this — I knew something different and very intentionally—[getting down to business] — as in LISTEN UP WOMEN—that this was not your average self-help
or spiritual book.
There is nothing average — as in, ‘heard-it-all-before’.
Kasia explores axioms — which seem self- evident — but in actuality, are not.

I thought this book was fabulous!!!
“ Training Manuel for Battle”.

Kasia Urbaniak is the real deal!!!

Are you a woman? Then you should read this book. Seriously. Do it. Thank me later.

Unbound is a brilliant, entertaining, treasure trove of well-organized information, presented in a way that is immediately applicable to everyday life. This book is generous, tender, and humorous. The tone is inclusive and non-blaming. Anecdotes illustrate power dynamics and provide inspiration while making the book fun to read. This one gets my highest recommendation possible.

I bought this book in print and audio format and now that I've read AND listened to it I'll be buying several more copies to give out as gifts at every opportunity for the next six months AT LEAST. Most of us emerge from our formative years with a heap of social conditioning that gives us little room to move or operate. Kasia Urbaniak aims to break us out of this conditioning so we can truly live an unbound life. She offers tools that work for anyone regardless of the gender we are assigned at birth or whether we are in a heteronormative relationship. Urbaniak indicates these tools can help us to break out of binary social conditioning to live unbound and to influence anyone in any relationship.

Most of us assigned female at birth, transgender, or non-binary women only have access to a model of womanhood which gives us little choice to operate outside of our good girl conditioning. This leaves us feeling

The good girl can take many forms; like the one who is always ready with a smile

The one who does it all by herself without complaining and without asking for help

The one who puts everyone else first

We could go on and on with examples for the endless variations of the good girl. The exciting thing that Urbaniak does in this book is to offer a new vision of the world where women can access power which goes beyond "a mood, an outfit, a moment or a pose." Power, as Urbaniak defines it, is

the ability to access your deepest desires, express them fully, and use them to influence other people and the world at large.

This book is packed with so many juicy nuggets I'm like

Some of the tools she describes are things we all have access to like attention, imagination, desire, and even rage. Most of us are rusty or clumsy when it comes to using these tools, but they are easy to use, accessible, and innate. There's no way to do it wrong, and if you make a mess in a relationship or interaction, Urbaniak assures us we'll have the skills to clean it up if we want to.

Not only does she offer a vision for a new world where women access power, she also offers simple, specific exercises to help us become less clumsy and rusty with the tools.

For Urbaniak one of the most important skills in influencing people and the world at large is asking. She not only provides methods for strengthening the substance of an ask, she also provides exercises to inoculate us against hearing NO in response to an ask, as well as working with resistance (our own and others').

There is so much more here for you to discover. This truly is an instruction manual and a guidebook for living a powerful life that serves your desires. The information contained in these pages is invaluable and so needed for where we are in the world right now.

I don't leave bad reviews for fiction because I feel it's unprofessional and unkind. however this book is NONFICTION and is IMO actively dangerous and gaslighting to women, so I'm leaving a review.

This book really pissed me off because it was written by a taoist nun and dominatrix (SAME person) and she thought this made her a guru with knowledge about power.

I'm sorry, but it doesn't. ALL organized religions, even the seemingly innocent ones are patriarchal in nature and center the male over the female and really push submission.

While I think SOME (assuming they've shaken off patriarchal pandering to men) Lifestyle Dommes DO understand power and how to wield it, I just don't believe this is true for a professional dominatrix because a dominatrix is providing a SERVICE. Any dominatrix who does NOT perform according to the client's wishes will not get repeat customers. (and I've actually heard from a real former pro domme who said she didn't follow the rules and she did it how she wanted and no man ever was a repeat customer because she wasn't catering exactly to his every weird fetish. Findoms are slightly different because of the nature of WHAT the fetish is.)

If she does what SHE wants and controls the dynamic as SHE wants and actually has and displays authority and control, he will never return. So that's not power

That's parody. And it is sad that patriarchy has so broken women that we often cannot tell the difference.

I am incredibly tired of manipulative people using sophistry to redefine words as though they can change the energetic power of them and how they have been used for centuries. There is an enormous amount of ego in that, that a single person thinks they can take on the energy and shift it of an entire word and its conscious and subconscious meanings for billions of people. Like wtf, seriously?

I think a lot of femdoms out there are still deeply in the patriarchy and are redefining sh*t to the point that there is no space for real female power.

The author is trying to redefine feminine power (queen energy, being served, being pleasured, the attention on you) as "submission" and trying to redefine dominance as service.

She acknowledges that we live with power all the time and that equality is a myth that never existed and that women who refuse to acknowledge that are still "playing the game" but at a total disadvantage, which I agree with. But then she f*cks all that up by proceeding to redefine terms in a way that reinforces:

"male dom = focus on men, their pleasure and their power" and
"fem dom = focus on men, their pleasure, serving their needs".

So that it's "heads I win, Tails you lose" and somehow women are never afforded actual POWER. Color me surprised.

In this book dominance is redefined as serving (even though dominant men in and outside the bedroom NEVER do this) and men all NEVER define getting their needs met as submissive. (and people in the BDSM community: Do NOT bring up "service tops". That is a different thing. I have been INSIDE this community for decades. I did kink before it was trendy. When it was ACTUALLY edgy, like over 20 years ago. I've seen it all and heard it all.)

In the power structure we live in, it's important that we define words the SAME way as the power structure, otherwise we are just submitting to that power structure with "empowering language" which is the consolation prize women are given instead of actual power.

You cannot redefine words for women in a completely quirky snowflake way that women cannot USE in the real world to their benefit.

In the kink world if you are a woman, you "aren't a real sub" unless you are SERVING your dom. The "more submissive than you" game is a female game. Male subs don't play this game because they have been trained by the patriarchy to center themselves and their own needs and women have been trained by the patriarchy to center men and their needs. None of this sh*t exists in some magic bubble outside of patriarchy.

Just like in patriarchy, in 99.9999% of kink, men center themselves and women center men. Whatever this woman THINKS she's learned about power is only a result of never truly having any.

Obeying the dogma of a religion combined with being paid by men to act out their weird fetishes on them is not power.

She also seems to think that wealth and resources isn't power or that the janitor can hold as much power as the CEO which is an absurd fantasy in her head only made possible due to redefinition and semantical arguments.

This book is pure gaslighting by someone who got high on her own supply. If you are a woman wanting to learn how to exercise power in your life and don't want to gaslight yourself into something that just keeps you out of the way of the men, then I suggest steering clear of this sh*tshow.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

p.s. Yes, I know that in my books often the male is serving female pleasure even though he ostensibly "owns" her, but first of all I do not write BDSM. It's captive fantasies/dark romance (fantasies women wouldn't have without patriarchy, btw) And it's FICTION. It is not meant to represent real life or be acted out. It's really a fantasy that pretends men can actually be trusted with power. Spoiler alert: they cannot.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes. One of my favorite books this year! I will read and re-read this book and practice the practices until her words soak into the very marrow of my bones.

Kasia has a rich understanding of energy and body to body communication and she helps women past what she calls the 'smoosh' which I relate to my feelings of freeze and collapse that comes when someone has said or done something incredibly inappropriate. There's more to that, but that's the jist.

This is vibrant and vital work and I highly recommend this for any woman, and enbies that grew up with female conditioning, particularly those that are already in the BDSM communities because of its accessibility.

She combines her daoist nun training and her work as a dominatrix, so she brings the power of both her genuine softness AND all her badassness.

Source: I work in the field of interpersonal neurobiology and this lady is on point.

Reviewed by Jess

Kasia Urbaniak has some unique and powerful tools which she shares in this book. She looks at the ways in which women have been bound by societal conditioning, and gives the reader exercises to practice so that they might become unbound.
If you have ever felt yourself freeze after someone has said or asked you something, not knowing how to respond - read this book.
If you feel constrained by politeness or have a bunch of things you have never said to the people who should probably hear them - read this book.
If you want to have more influence with people and negotiate more effectively - read this book.
If you don't know what you really want from life - read this book.
If you are a woman - read this book... and thank me later.

I am not sure how I stumbled upon Unbound by Kasia Urbaniak, but I am thankful to have read this book. The lessons inside Unbound are life-changing

Kasia is a former dominatrix and trained Taoist nun, which may seem like a paradox, but she expertly melds these seemingly opposite practices to teach women how to communicate and persuade from a place of power.

Unbound is a practical guide with no fluff. You’ll know exactly how to implement the lessons Kasia presents in her book. She also weaves in stories of her former students to help illustrate her point.

I especially love how Kasia teaches us how to respond when someone asks a question that normally freezes us. Hint: It’s all about asking a question back. You’ll have to read Unbound for a more in-depth description, but trust me when I say, you’ll love having this tool in your back pocket. I’ve already used Kasia’s technique with great success!

My big takeaways:

#1: Submissive doesn’t mean weak.

I’ll admit I usually turn my nose up at the term submissive. It feels like a loss of power and strength. Thanks to Kasia’s lessons, I now know that submissive is a strong, powerful position – one that can help you get what you want in ways that feel empowering.

#2: Ask without reservation.

Kasia writes, “Women often hesitate to ask because they have been trained to believe that asking will create an implied debt…” (page 138)

Ding, ding, ding!

I am the queen of the Internal Scorecard. And I often don’t want to ask for something because I worry about how I will have to “pay it back.”

But I am worthy of asking without fear of what the payback will be, or if the payback will even occur. (You are too!)

Loud Woman, let’s not be afraid of asking. Let’s know we are worthy of asking for what we want, need, or deserve. And if someone thinks you owe them something that you don’t want to deliver, you can say no. Period.

Final thoughts:

If you want to learn about how to speak from a place of power, or how to handle tough situations (especially with men), or how to stick up for yourself, then be sure to add Unbound to your reading list. This is content you probably have never read before, but once you’ve read it, you wonder how you have lived your life without it.

I have had many frustrating, disappointing experiences because of how I've been taught (and reinforced over and over) to act in this world. I was blind for a long time to the roles/norms I was taught that really don't serve me, and when I did start to realize what was going on, it felt SCARY and HARD as hell to navigate my way toward a life that felt better, especially since I felt like it would spark conflict and stop me from ever finding love--because these roles and norms are just built into our institutions and expectations (mine included)!

Kasia has spent a long time thinking about this stuff and learning how to deal with it powerfully. She gives a really helpful perspective on all of it and gives tools that have just calmed my whole nervous system down and helped me successfully work through previously unwinnable-feeling situations.

It all comes down to desire. What we really want is legitimate (ALL of us), and in any situation there is a way to explore what we want AND what the other person wants and to find the solution that hits the spot. That's all it takes to light our lives back up again, and it just requires a little imagination and play--and staying in tune with what matters to us.

Take what is meaningful to you in this book and leave the rest.

Be warned, once you read this, you can never go back (thank God)!

I LOVED this book but what I found myself also really wanting was for her to write an entire book on her perspectives on “dominant” and “submissive” mindstates just being “energy out” and “energy in” respectively. It’s so, so wholesome to see how she portrays these ideas here. It’s the best book I’ve read so far on going into those power positions without lapsing into weird misogynistic (or just...sh*tty) takes on “what makes a person a TOP person” or whatever. The only docking of stars is because I don’t love the corporate ring to it, I want it to be more. The strategies are water-tight though. I’ve learned more about negotiating and power exchanges from this book than any other.

A fascinating book about how to practice and attempt to de-program yourself from the freeze response in intimidating situations and have more control over how you understand your needs and advocate for yourself. Kasia has spent time as both a dominatrix and studying to be a Taoist nun, and brings these seemingly different disciplines together to explain the power of attention and how to control the flow of a conversation or encounter to get what you want to participate with the person rather than withdraw or attempt to steam-roll.

Powerful!

After reading so many books on healing, this book came into my life to propel me forward. I was instantly hooked and could barely put it down. It made me realize how power dynamics, in my own life, were impaired. Understanding the freeze was a life changing revelation. I instantly started making the changes in my own life to regain my voice and start projecting outward the life force that was bound in me.
I highly recommend this book to all the good girls out there who have slowly become doormats and servants to everyone. This book is truly life changing!

Paradigm-shifting. If you have been socialized as female, or are curious about the experience of folks who are, go read it right now. This book explained to me why most of my difficult conversations are so ineffective—especially when they are with higher-status men—and I have a much better framework for these in the future. Also I realized it's ok to want what I want?!?!?!?

Gosh, I really enjoyed some of the concepts in this book, but I really struggled to get past the language and framing of good girl/bad girl. I'd also be curious to see how these concepts could be applied without the gender binary.

As soon as this audiobook was over, I started at the beginning again to really absorb all of the valuable information and strategies. I’m thinking of buying a copy (library book) so I can refer to it and refine my self work. This is a very good book.

Just finished the audiobook, and already ordered the physical copy. This will be one of those “on repeat” books to ingrain all the lessons and continuously integrate the exercises to be the best version of myself for both me and everyone else.

Every woman should read this book.

I bought this on a total whim-- just a gut sense that I should read it. I often avoid titles like this because I expect the same old "grrrrrl power" self-help pablum that makes my teeth itch and feminist ancestors scream in our nightmares. But I am very happy to say I was wrong about that, and right to devour this book!

As a longtime kinky person, I was both intrigued and wary of the author framing her concepts in terms of dominance and submission, drawing on her experience as a pro domme. But I *loved* the way she defined and explained them, and it really made her concepts of (non-kinky) power exchange so clear for me. (It also gave me some epiphanies about kinky life that I wish I'd had early in my leather club days!)

This book is all about the HOW and I love that. Kasia has a deep understanding of the ways that being socialized as a woman damages and silences us, and she offers very specific techniques for overcoming that conditioning and stepping into healthy, confident power. If you're a people-pleaser, a fawner, a freeze-er, a chronic caretaker, codependent, or simply cannot bring yourself to ask for what you want, RUN to get this book. It will help you in ways you could never expect, including understanding the harm you're doing and experiencing by living in the constraints of that old conditioning.

She also helps you dig in and discover what it is you actually want. It was only in recent months that I really started to grapple with the fact that my needs and desires have been so buried that I could never articulate what I wanted; this was a really timely read on that score, too.

While she acknowledges that the book has a slant towards cis hetero women, she takes care to focus more on the concepts of gender roles/socialization imposed by society, and on the fact that we are all affected by interacting with men, than on any fixed ideas of gender or sexuality. I'm queer and move in very genderfluid circles and I found the book very thoughtful, taking care around sensitive areas. Particularly so in her discussions of working with a "no"-- she does talk about respecting a no, the importance of consent, and never forcing your will on someone. There are really nice distinctions between space for negotiation and the need to back off.

Honestly, I wish masc folks would also read this book-- partly to understand why women in their lives may be indirect or confusing as a result of not feeling safe enough to express clear desires or assert themselves, and partly because I think everyone could benefit from learning how to understand and own their desires and to be centered in their power in a healthy way. I really think there's healthy masculinity to be found in these pages too.

Now I just need to rally some folks to create a "mistressmind" group!

The author has been a Taoist nun and a dominatrix, and she wants to teach me to own my power? Who wouldn't be intrigued?

I got this book because I had a specific person who continually trampled my boundaries, and I wanted to solve our relationship. And then, when the author said she could train me to beat The Freeze, I was in x 1000.

This book seriously felt like the #1 most important thing in my life, the one thing that could possibly save me. So I procrastinated starting it, read a little, put it down, and forgot about it. As one does, right?

In the meantime, I ended up breaking up with the person I originally got the book to address, but I noticed that one of my friends was exhibiting many of the exact same patterns. When my therapist pointed out that I'd get in these situations and freeze, the lightbulb came on: I have a book for that! So I finally picked it up again and read the rest.

This book is amazing, and I think my next step is to go back and read it again from cover to cover. Then I want to see if my therapist will do some of the practice exercises with me. I want to freeze-proof myself, and that will take practice.

I may take the e-course, too. I'm tired of being this way. Every f*cking time I see my therapist, he tells me a lot of boring old stories, re-assigns me to read Your Perfect Right again, and gives me crap about still sucking at being assertive. If I can learn the tools in this book, I can become powerful. Or, more accurately, embody and use the power I already have and be the person I already am, under all this "good girl" baggage.

Whoa. This book.

I'm always hesitant about a book that claims to be a guide to something. We all have different ways we move through the world and the one-size-fits-all approach doesn't appeal to me. But Urbaniak isn't trying to make women feel like that have to fit into a man's world or relinquish any of their femininity. In fact, she is simply trying to help women dig into what they truly want and understand that they don't have to feel guilty for wanting it. Beyond that, she gives strategic ways women can ask for what they want. She reminds us that there is power in begging and demanding. The techniques in this book are wild and I can see where some may say they are over the top but I think Urbaniak just wants women to understand the spectrum of our emotions. Feel the tug between empathy and rage, two words not normally put together but describe what it feels like to navigate this world at times.

I think there were a couple of good insights here but it does seem a bit victim-blamy as guys are basically not responsible for even trying to treat women right unless we "ask" the right way. Having had so many men not comprehend or practice basic empathy... Sorry no I don't think "asking" them the right way would have changed sh*t. Also I'm pretty sure I tried.

I tried to listen to this via audiobook in the car and Kasia's soft, seductive voice made me sleepy every single time I turned it on. I had to stop listening so I didn't crash my car...and I didn't ever find the time to listen in other contexts because I was annoyed due to the reasons above.

This book took my breath away! Kasia Urbaniak made me look at power in a new and completely different way. "Unbound" is the ultimate guide to female empowerment that acknowledges all the systemic misogyny women face daily but doesn't slide into the lazy and predictable "all men are horrible and everything to do to with men sucks" territory. Instead, the author shows us how to become powerful, confident and strong by accepting accountability for our empowerment and working hard on ourselves.
I'll be buying this book for all the women I love.
Thank you, Kasia!

Amazing, practical, full of insight and understanding. Clear steps that are very useful and broad enough to work in many circ*mstances, yet also specific enough to follow.

I listened to this and immediately bought the physical copy to highlight. This isn’t about being spiritual ou sexual, it’s about how to read the room, understand the flow of energy in interactions, and work the situation with care and understanding of everyone’s needs.

You'll never read anything comparable to this. The author has a unique perspective on power that will make you question everything around you. Whereas a lot of teachers of power will lecture you on how important it is to 'speak your truth' which basically just leads to a lot of self attack about times you haven't done that.. Kasia has developed simple exercises which will completely change your perspective on a situation and powerful communication with another person is what naturally follows

The parts about turning your attention in versus out were interesting, and I wanted to know more, but there weren't as many examples as I wanted. Many of the examples that she promised would work seemed really unlikely to work as well as she claimed. Overall felt gimmicky.
I also just wasn't the target audience. The book seems to be for women who view their situation as strongly influenced by their gender, and I don't, at least not in the way the book emphasized.

I’m literally astounded and almost speechless, basking in this glorious book. I feel **Kasia’s life force and spirit** literally burning through the book and spreading in to me. I don’t even know how this book has fallen into my lap at this exact time of my life when I was needing it. I’ve even a exploded relationship that occurred days before I got into this book to act as a glaring example of how easily it can go wrong when you don’t

REVIEW INCOMPLETE / IN PROGRESS !!

Yes if you like overreaching statements, pseudoscience, and one-size-fits-all-women paradigms for how to live

No if you want anecdotal insight into the life of a Taoist monk who also works as a professional dominatrix

I will long give thanks to the mom who ever so casually mentioned that reading a book by a former dominatrix led her to email the coach of our kids’ sports team, to ask him to consider a different approach to how he talks to our teenage girls, particularly after games where they played hard and did not win.

This was a benefit not only to her kid but mine too and the lot of us parents with similar concerns.

So, of course, I had to know what is this book? I started listening and could barely put it down. So much of what Kazia Urbaniak writes about unlearning our conditioning about power as women resonates with me deeply. I’m grateful I listened to this, I learned a ton and have already put some of this in practice.
I have and will continue to recommend it, highly.

A fascinating look at female conditioning and suggestions for ways to overcome it. Some practical exercises to help one truly understand their desires and ask for what they want, without fear or aggression. For those of us who grew up never knowing how to even identify what are needs are, it has helpful insights into ways of identifying - and achieving them. Brilliant book, from an interesting perspective.

I sped read through this in anticipation of a conversation with HR, so I'll need to revisit the book at some point. I think this was an immensely fascinating read though, and there were so many ways that she looked at relationship dynamics that I've never considered before. I think it would be worth revisiting this before getting into a relationship for that matter