One-Sided Relationship Seems A-OK to Boyfriend - Dear Abby (2024)

We used to see each other several times a week, always a few times on the weekend and sometimes a weeknight as well. But the time he wants to share has been dwindling more and more. Right now, his work schedule gives him four days off in a row.

What hurts my feelings is that he tells me about all the projects he wants to do without me. He even tells me about trying to find things to do with his time. I have told him I miss him, and I'd like to do things with him, but most of the time he declines. If I try to explain how I feel about this, he exaggerates and says that if I had my way, I'd have all of his free time.

Before COVID, we would get together one night a week for beers and a sleepover. Now he will come over for an hour or two for drinks, maybe twice a week in the evening, but not for a long visit. Not much else. I have asked him repeatedly to go for a walk with me.

I feel lonely and undesired. I think I should end the relationship, but I am afraid I will never find someone else and that what little I have is better than being completely alone. I don't know how to have a real conversation with him without him getting angry with me. Please help me figure this out. -- LONELY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR LONELY: Has it occurred to you that being so dependent on him may be what has caused him to distance from you? My first suggestion is to find a friend to walk with you. You say your "dates" consisted of him coming over, drinking and going to bed with you. Forgive me for seeming unromantic, but that sounds less like a date than a booty call.

Stop begging him to see you. You feel unappreciated because you are. Let things ride for now but quit telling him how needy you are. Get online and start meeting people. Other, more rewarding, relationships are possible -- but not if you stay stuck in the rut you're in. The two of you want different things from this relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I'm divorced. My ex-husband has a girlfriend and has just gotten engaged. We have two sons, 23 and 20, and they are going to their father's wedding in four months. I'm kind of annoyed that they are going, and I'm not sure what an impact this will have on my life as the "ex" or how my boys will feel. Advice? -- NEW ERA IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NEW ERA: If it isn't too late, refrain from conveying to your sons your annoyance that they will attend their father's wedding. They belong there. Give them the chance to get to know the woman without trying to influence them either way.

Remember, above all, that you are a person in your own right, rather than just an "ex." You are also still your sons' mom. You have the opportunity for a happy, successful future if you don't allow bitterness to get in the way. I hope you will give yourself that gift.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my partner, "Hank," for 25 years, but although he is legally separated, he is still married. We have lived together for 24 of these 25 years. He has two adult children with his wife. I used to be married and have two adult children with my ex-husband. Hank and I have one child together (now an adult), as well.

Should I be concerned that he isn't divorced? He keeps telling me he wants to, and I refuse to bug him about it because I don't want him to think I'm nagging him. I love him and I know he loves me as well. Should I walk away after all this time, or should I nag him? -- UNSETTLED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR UNSETTLED: I don't think you clearly understand what the fact that Hank is still legally married means for your own future. If something should happen to him, his wife, not you, will be making all medical decisions for her husband, including whether he can have visitors. She would be entitled to evict you from the house and keep the contents if his name is on the deed. She would be the one to decide what would happen to his remains. You would be left with nothing and no legal leg to stand on.

Please discuss this with a lawyer who can give you more detail about the horror story that may lie ahead. Once you understand all the implications, discuss this with Hank, who should formally do now what he should have done a quarter of a century ago.

DEAR ABBY: I live on a nice, quiet street. My three neighbors are elderly. The single gentleman next door is fighting pancreatic cancer. The other two men have been showing interest in his house "if anything happens." One of them even went over for a visit acting like he was a friend. After a few minutes, he mentioned he'd be interested in the house if he was going to be selling it. I am very upset that he would be so nervy and insensitive as to approach this guy! I want to let him know how I feel. My wife says I need to let it go. And you, Abby? -- HATES VULTURES IN ILLINOIS

DEAR HATES VULTURES: I will assume that you know about this because your next-door neighbor told you. While I agree that approaching the man took a lot of guts, it is possible that the approach wasn't regarded as offensive.

We don't know what your neighbor's estate plan involves or who will administer it in the event of his death. Knowing the name of the executor who will be handling matters after the inevitable happens would ease the process. That's why I am advising you not to stir the pot. Your wife is right. You may wind up living next door to these people -- unless someone outbids them.

DEAR ABBY: When my son was in the second grade, his teacher recommended counseling because she thought he was introverted. We blew her off. Decades later, we found out our son had been molested by a family member. It started when he was in the second grade. We are devastated and reeling from guilt. How do we move forward and help our son? -- GRIEVING IN THE WEST

DEAR GRIEVING: You do now what you should have done when your son was in second grade and his teacher spotted a problem: Seek a referral to a licensed psychotherapist for all of you.

DEAR ABBY: Over the course of 12 years, my husband and I have gifted more than $400,000 in down-payment money to our adult daughter and her husband. Both are now in their mid-40s. I gave them most of this money behind my husband's back.

Recently, my daughter has been pressing me for more money, saying, "good grandparents/parents help their kids." I give them $1,200 a month in cash and student loan payments, and I have done this for 10 years. I finally told my husband about my deceit, and he is being incredibly forgiving of me. He understands I have insecurity issues, and I worry about losing my daughter's love and contact with our grandchildren.

Two years ago, our daughter told us that due to our "difficult personalities," she needed boundaries, and my husband and I were allowed to visit only one week a year (they live 3,000 miles away). This came as a shock, since my husband cared for our grandchildren from birth until the family moved away when the kids were 4 and 6. We have traveled with them and thought we were close.

Given all this, I told my daughter I felt manipulated, and I was giving them a two-month notice before ending the monthly contributions. She has now cut off all contact with us -- blocked all phones and social media. I'm devastated. I feel hopeless and I am seeking counseling. I can't shake the feeling I'm at fault. Your thoughts? -- BLOCKED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR BLOCKED: Your only "fault" rests with the fact that you gave your manipulative and ungrateful daughter a LOT of money and concealed it from your husband. You can't make someone love you by buying their affection. (It's either there or it isn't.) As you can see now, doing so was fruitless.

Your daughter is using your love for the grands to punish you for not forking over even more. (And she thinks YOU have a "difficult personality"? Wow!) I'm overjoyed that you will be discussing this sorry situation with a licensed mental health professional. It's the surest way I know of to quit blaming yourself and to regain your emotional balance.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who, any time we ate out, if a server tried to take her empty plate, and others around her weren't done eating, would stick her hand out to prevent the server from taking her plate. She says it's rude to take a plate when others haven't finished their meal. I think it is rude for her to do that to the server. I have mentioned this to her only once and we've been friends for 30 years. What do you think? -- DINING OUT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DINING: I don't think your friend is rude. According to Emily Post, when a server removes someone's plate before everyone is finished eating, it can leave the impression that those still eating are holding things up, and those who are done can be left feeling that they rushed the meal.