Grandparent Jokes To Share With Your Gran And Gramps Next Time You Visit (2024)

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What does grandpa do when you tell him to change his hearing aid?

He doesn't listen.

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"My grandparents fought during World War II. They ended up getting a divorce."

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"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."

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"My grandmother ate spaghetti everyday��� Until she pasta-way."

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Grandpa: "Look, they made a movie about the smurfs all grown-up!"

Grandson: "Grandpa, shhhhh, that's 'Avatar'..."

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A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.

���Oh,��� he said, ���she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we���re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.���

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What does a grandmother and a website have in common?

You can't deny the cookies.

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"My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60 years old... Now he's 97, and we have no idea where could he be."

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What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?

Instagram.

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"Shoutout to my grandparents! Because that's the only way they can hear me..."

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"My grandpa says the best thing about being 103 years old is... There's no peer pressure."

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"My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open��� Which is probably why his submarine sank."

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Why Einstein loved his parents and grandparents?

They were all relatives.

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"Mom, what is it like to have the best child in the world?"

"I don���t know, go ask your grandparents."

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What was the reason for grandpa changing his major?

So that he could switch to Classics from Literature.

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What did the mother turkey say to her mischievous son?

"If your grandpa saw you now, he would roll over in his gravy!"

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At a kid���s party, the hired clown was late to arrive.

When he finally did arrive, he walked up to grandpa and asked, ���Where are the kids, sir?���

Grandpa looked him straight in the eye and answered very seriously, ���That would be us. We grew up in the time it took for you to arrive.���

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"I���ll never forget my granddad���s last words to me just before he died. ���Are you still holding the ladder?���"

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"My grandpa���s so cheap, when he dies, he���ll probably walk towards the light and turn it off."

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"Grandpa died because we couldn���t figure out his blood type. At least he told us to be positive."

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"I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep. Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car."

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"My late grandpa used to hate looking in the mirror. Humble man, terrible driver."

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How did Grandma describe her cataract surgery?

It was an eye-opening experience for her.

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What changed grandma's opinion about heart transplants?

She had a change of heart.

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Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that German guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

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"My grandpa said he was built upside down. He said his nose runs and his feet smell."

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"My grandmother bakes cookies the fastest. It literally takes here nana-seconds."

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"Grandma has been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her inside."

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"My grandpa is 95 years old and he doesn't even use glasses. He drinks straight from the bottle."

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Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair?

She wanted to rock 'n' roll!

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"My grandpa tired to warn everyone that the titanic was going to sink. When everyone ignored him, he yelled at them three more times. Eventually, they got irritated and kicked him out of the movie theater."

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What did Rihanna say to her grandmother with Alzheimer's?

"Oh nana, what's my name?"

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"My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast. I asked, "Who is this guy?" Grandpa replied, "My hip replacement.""

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Why do grandparents smile all the time?

Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

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"Every time I go to a wedding, my grandma pokes me and says, "You're next". So, every time I go to a funeral with her, I poke her and say the same."

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Which relative chimes at you every hour?

A grandfather's clock.

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A grandson asked his grandmother, "Do you know how you and god are alike?"

"You're both old!"

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Halfway through church service, grandpa leans over and whispers in his wife's ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

The grandma replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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Why did grandpa love grandma so much that he called her "love", "honey", "darling" even after 60 years of marriage?

Because grandpa had forgotten grandma���s name.

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Why are grandparents and grandchildren always close to each other?

They both have a common enemy at the homefront who makes a fuss about eating sweets.

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What does grandpa do when you tell him to change his hearing aid?

He doesn���t listen.

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What did the tall grandpa say to the little boy?

You will have to do your own growing boy, my height won���t help you with that.

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How are stars and fake teeth alike according to a grandfather?

���These two come out only during the night.���

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What did grandpa name the Italian restaurant he started in grandma���s memory?

"Pasta Way."

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Why did grandma call grandpa spiderman?

Because, she said, ���That boy finds it difficult to get out of the bathtub.���

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"My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean. But obviously I called them my Grandad and Nana na na na na na na."

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"After 72 years since not completing her college course, my grandma finally went back and earned her very first diploma... I asked her what will she be wearing for her graduation ceremony and she said "depends.""

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What do you call a walking stick that makes grandma walk faster?

A hurricane.

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"My grandpa told me when he was small the alphabet only had 25 letters. Nobody knew Y."

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A dying grandfather tells his grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandpa, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With his last breath, Grandpa whispered, "Facebook..."

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"My grandpa went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and he immediately returned. He forgot his teeth."

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Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record.

It was a Type O.

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Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match.

Grandpa: "Who's playing?"

Grandson: "Czech and Slovakia."

Grandpa: "Against who?"

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"On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, ���Honey, I���ll see you in heaven!��� Since then, he���s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day."

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"Have you seen the sweater my grandmother made me? It's pretty knit."

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Why did grandma leave the job at the glue factory?

She could not stick with it.

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What happened after grandmother decided to become vegan?

Every time you meet her, it feels like you never met her'bivore.

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What did grandma say about her career as a young girl?

"I worked at the shoe showroom, and then they gave me the boot."

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"How did grandma agree to get spine surgery? She told me, "It was holding me back for a really long time.""

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Why was grandma so fascinated by a reversible sweater she was knitting?

She said, "I want to see how it turns out."

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"My grandmother was a Math teacher. We were discussing infinity the other day, and it kept going on forever."

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Grandma's getting a little hard to understand in her old age.

"Ma", we said, "you may be getting dyslexia."

"Lysdexia?", she said, "Don't be diriculous."

We had to put our foot down when she got on the phone to order fitted sheets.

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My grandma got a new hearing aid.

���It was $5,��� she said.

���What kind is it?��� I asked.

���Ten-o-clock.���

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Grandpa: "I used to have an origami business"

Grandson: "What happened to it?"

Grandpa: "It folded..."

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"My grandpa's last wish was that when he died, we convert his ashes into a diamond. That's a lot of pressure."

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A boy, his dad and his grandpa all hear the same hilarious joke, laugh too hard and pee their pants...

Guess you could say it runs in their jeans!

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When is your grandma's bedtime?

Three hours after she falls asleep in her chair.

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"Today, I went to visit my passed away grandparents, but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb. It was a grave mistake."

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When do you know your grandmother is old enough to retire?

Instead of lying about her age, she started bragging about it!

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Why did Grandpa get banned from the zoo?

Because he had a lion���s heart.

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What are the two things your grandpa doesn���t like about you as a little boy?

One, you don���t want to sleep in the afternoon. Two, you won���t let him take a nap either.

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What would a lawnmower grandfather���s eulogy be like?

"Now he���s lawn-gone."

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What do people call grandfather clocks?

The old-timers.

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From what did grandpa say he suffered a high degree of stress?

From grandma.

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Why did the grandpa say no to local anesthetic on the day of the operation?

Because he was looking forward to an imported one.

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What did the lawyer grandfather say to the waiter who wrote the bill at the cash counter?

"Whoever writes it, pays for it."

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What do Minions call their Grandmas?

Ba-Nanas.

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Why do you have to take permission from grandpa to sell fish?

Because he is the cod-father.

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"I didn���t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, ���Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!���"

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"My grandparents buy me so many school supplies for the first day of school that I have to take the first two weeks off just to sharpen pencils."

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A grandfather from Brooklyn decided to prepare his will and make his final requests.

He told the rabbi he had two final requests. First, he wanted to be cremated, and second, he wanted her ashes scattered over Yankee Stadium.

���Yankee Stadium!��� the rabbi exclaimed. ���Why Yankee Stadium?���

���Then I���ll be sure my son visits me once a week.���

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What did the 90 year old say to his great-grandson?

"I miss the days of being your age when my teeth were in my mouth 24/7!"

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Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, ���I���m 83 years old now and I���m just full of aches and pains. I know you���re about my age. How do you feel?���

The other says, ���I feel just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.���

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"My grandparents passed away 36 times. Every time I change jobs all four of them come alive again."

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"My Grandparents were Trekkies, and named my father after their favourite Captain. When I was young, I was frequently hoisted by my own Picard."

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"My granddad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He���s now classed as a seasoned veteran."

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"My grandfather was a baker in the army. He went in all buns glazing."

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A little boy gets $5 for his birthday. He runs with it to the candy store and asks for $5 worth of candy.

The man behind the counter asks, ���Do you really think it���s wise to spend all your birthday money on candy?���

The little boy thinks about it for a moment and replies, ���Well, my grandpa did live to be 94������

���By eating candy everyday?��� Asks the man, astounded.

���No,��� replies the little boy, ���by minding his own business.���

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"My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning. He said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium."

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Why was grandma in such a hurry while making pasta sauce for the dinner guests?

It was already 8pm and she was running out of thyme.

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What did grandma do when she was feeling lonely?

She bought some shares because she wanted company.

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"What happened when grandma accidentally dropped the basket of ironed laundry? We watched it all unfold."

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What happened when grandma decided to take action against the airline for losing her luggage?

She lost her case.

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"My dear old grandmother always used to say that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. That's why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon."

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"My grandpa always used to say, "when one door closes, another one opens". He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker."

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What's the difference between an all-you-can-eat restaurant and your grandma's cooking?

At an all-you-can-eat restaurant, you decide when you're full.

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Why do grandparents count pennies?

They're the only ones who have the time.

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What did grandpa say after reading ���Karaoke Tonight��� at a restaurant?

He just asked what sort of fish that was.

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Why did grandpa spend only one hour with the grandchildren?

Because one hour with them and he felt like a young fellow, more than that he said he feels drastically old.

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Why did grandpa say, ���Ask grandma for picnic permission���?

Because it won���t be allowed if grandma said no!

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Why is today the last day that one can see 82-year-old grandpa?

Because he would be 83 tomorrow.

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Why did grandpa yell ���gallons, liters, pints��� the day after the Christmas party?

Because he likes to speak in volumes.

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Two grandparents are having a phone call talking about their family.

One grandparent talks about how proud she is that her granddaughter came to visit her while socially distanced.

The other said, ���My grandson is so protective of me. He socially distances so much he won���t even call me!���

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Erwin Schrodinger came from abroad to attend grandparent's wedding in North America.

He was a nonlocal observer.

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A grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%.

The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, ���Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.���

To which the elderly man replied, ���Oh, I haven���t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I���ve changed my will three times!���

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Grandfather: "Bet I can tell you the score before the game starts!"

Grandson: "No Way!"

Grandfather: "0-0."

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Why did the grandfather clock fall over?

It went back too far for Daylight Saving!

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What did the grandpa pancake say to the grandchild burnt pancake?

"I don���t like your flip side."

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"My grandparents, parents, and even my siblings have chronic diarrhea. I guess it runs in the family."

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"My grandpa always used to say to me, ���Fight fire with fire.��� It���s no wonder he got sacked from the fire service."

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"My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. ���It���s worth spending money on good speakers,��� he told me."

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���Back in the day,��� a grandfather started to say, ���You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well.���

���But nowadays,��� he continued, ���Wherever you go, there are cameras.���

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"My grandpa always said, ���Always try to be the fish going against the current.��� Good man. Got electrocuted every day though."

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One Sunday, little Johnny's grandpa asks him a question, "Do you know what one eye said to the other eye?"

"No, grandpa."

"It said, Between you and me, something smells."

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"Today my grandpa told me he was working on his second million. He said he was too tired, and there was no way he was going to make the first, so he was starting fresh."

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"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace."

"Really? That old chestnut?

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How come grandmas are so good at learning different languages so quickly?

They are always grandma-tically correct.

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Why did the grandma ask her grandson not to work at the candle factory?

Because he will have to work even on wick-ends.

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Why did grandma refuse to eat the German sausage?

She fears the wurst.

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"How was grandmother's 92nd birthday party?"

"It was an emotional moment for all of us, even the cake was in tiers."

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"After 40 long years, my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails. She's hidden his teeth."

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How would grandpa react when you tell him about online classes?

He would say, ���Why is your education on the line? How will that work?���

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Why did grandpa tell the ghosts about his shirt size?

Because he was the medium.

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Why did grandpa like to wear glasses while collecting take out for dinner?

He goes to pick up the dinner with a contact-less drive-through.

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Why did the grandchild call grandpa a hipster?

Because grandma told him, hipsters buy clothes from thrift shops, wear glasses that are thick, and look different.

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What does grandpa say when a waiter asks about the food at the restaurant?

He points at our finished plates and confirms, ���They almost didn���t like it.���

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What did grandpa say when everyone told him my father looked like him?

He said, ���He���s a poor guy, don���t worry he���ll grow out of it���.

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Why did grandpa always have the dog beside him?

So that he could blame the dog day in and out for all his gas leaks.

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How did grandpa react when his grandson told him he wanted to go abroad to study?

He said, ���You sure got to study lots of boards���.

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"My entire family was not supportive during my pregnancy, but my grandparents supported my decision. They are great grandparents."

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"My parents had me late in life so I never met any of my grandparents. No body was surprised about this. It was a four gone conclusion."

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"My grandparents bought a new China set. They asked me what I thought of it��� I said it was fine."

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Grandpa Mike died this weekend.

He led a simple life, loved by family and friends while enjoying a long career as a crop duster.

In accordance with his final wishes, his cremated remains will be mixed with water and sprayed over the seashore where he spent his final days.

He will be mist.

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"I asked my grandpa, "What were your good old days?" He answered, "They were before I was good and before I was old."

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"I asked my grandmother how she���s enjoying her new stairlift. She said, ���It���s driving me up the wall.���"

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A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his grandma, ���How was I born?���

His grandma awkwardly answers, ���The stork brought you.���

���Oh,��� says the boy. ���Well, how were mummy and daddy born?���

���Um, well, the stork brought them, too, and your grandpa and I.���

The boy begins his paper, ���This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn���t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.���

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Why was grandma arrested for taking a picture?

She was framed.

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"Did your grandma give you her bread recipe?"

"Yes, we often trade recipes on a knead to know basis."

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Why do grandmas hate stairs?

They suspect them as they are always up to something.

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Why didn���t grandpa like the new walking shoes?

Because he unwrapped them and kept looking but they didn���t walk on their own so he thought they were broken.

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